If you could judge a book by its cover, I would get down on my knees and give this book a BJ. Not like a gay BJ, I mean a totally manly BJ out of respect. For starters, the cover has a drawing of some dude in a loincloth punching a gorilla in the face, a tell-tale sign of a dope book. The author of the book is known only as Maddox (not Angelina Jolie’s son), and he is either a genius or one sick sadistic fuck, maybe both. The book is an A to Z guide of the nuts (or testes) and bolts of manly conduct, and how not to be a little bitch in life. My chest hair count has actually increased by at least 12%, since reading the book. That is the most man-fur I’ve gained since that night I drank a half bottle of vodka with no chaser and was “raped” by some chick that weighed at least a deuce and a half. By “raped” I mean that I was totally into it. This book even prompted me to verbally and physically abuse my own kids for making eye contact with me when I walked into a room. It’s not because I’m mean, but because that is how a man with a successful family should behave.

Covering various topics from ass kicking, hot sauce, lumberjacks, and Chuck Norris this book is about as easy to read as it is to find a whorehouse in Tijuana. One of my favorite passages details how guys don’t like it when women cry, not because we feel bad, it’s because we don’t know what to do until they stop. Another explains how real men don’t die of old age, they are shot, stabbed or thrown in wood chippers. If you are like me, and think that reading is kinda gay you will not be disappointed by this book. Not that there is anything wrong with being a peter-puffer or with reading books, it’s just that the attention span of the average man is about as short as Adrian Lopez. Not only is it easy to read a chapter here and there, I found myself laughing like a regular jackass every time I picked up this book. Most of the time I use books as firewood, but in this case I was pleased to actually read the words inside, and you should too.

Words By Greg Davidson.
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